I'm going to start this off by saying that this post will contain major spoilers, so if you are worried about the plot being spoiled (as if there is one) don't read any further. This is basically a summery of the entire movie, just to explain how bad it is. I honestly recommend reading it even if you haven't seen the movie, it'll save you some time.
And I thought Transformers 2 was bad. The third installment is just one giant 3 hour middle finger to the film industry and every single Transformers fan out there.
Yes, I said 3 hours, making it the longest movie I've ever seen, ever. 3 hours of bullshit coming straight through the screen in full 3D.
Let me start with the most annoying part. The entire first two hours of the movie are about 2% action and 98% really bad plot development, if you can call it that. The last hour is one single gigantic over dramatized action scene.
The movie starts off with about 2 minutes of staring at the barely covered ass of Megan Fox's replacement that's so forgettable I can't even remember her name. They basically traded Megan Fox's acting for more cheap scantly clad shots to appease prepubescent boys. I mean, is it honestly that hard to find a hot girl who can act?
After the Autobots kill some terrorists the movie then shifts to Chernobyl, for some unknown reason, where they fight a giant space worm Decepticon thingy. After that they find a metal ball that is obviously (not) part of a spaceship that was shot down on Cybertron years ago.
That ship happens to be carrying a space bridge that can somehow end the war that is apparently still happening? It somehow floats all the way from Cybertron and miraculously lands on the moon, making it the second piece of valuable alien technology that randomly lands on or near Earth.
The Autobots fly to the moon and find Optimus Prime's daddy, or something while Megatron and Starscream make zebras swear allegiance to the Decepticons (yes, the litteral animal, a zebra).
Sam then gets attacked by a robotic bird while having gay sex with an asian guy in the bathroom while his bat crazy boss watches. This merges the ridiculously unnecessary subplot into the main plot, somehow.
At this point I'm half asleep and Sentinel Prime somehow turns from the old/new leader of the Autobots into the main bad guy, and Megatron basically gets removed from the plot.
While this is going on Sam needlessly brings John Turturro back into the movie for no reason, again. His purpose is not so comic relief. He's basically there just for the paycheck.
After killing half a billion Decepticons in a battle that looked incredibly similar to the road fight in the first movie Sam discovers that they accidentally dropped his girlfriend out of the plot and he needs to go form another stupid subplot to save her from her ex boyfriend giving Decepticons money, or something...
Decepticons are now in charge of the world and the Autobots go for a joy ride and a swim while the Decepticons kill thousands of people for an unexplained reason.
Sam and a bunch of black guys go to fight the army of Decepticons that were apparently just hiding on the moon for decades instead of deciding to help in the first two movies. this is where the hour long action scene starts.
Half the black guys die while a bunch of white guys fly around hostile airspace with paper wings. They land miles and miles away from where they should be and help Sam save his girlfriend again.
It gets blurry here because I kept checking my iPod to see what time it was, and it was kind of noisy with half the theater getting up and leaving out of bordom.
Basically like 10 humans and 9 Autobots kill billions of Decepticons and a few hundred gunships while the space worm goes nom nom nom on the Sears building.
Optimus tries to help, but he flies into some cables hanging from a building and stays there for literally 20 minutes of the movie.
The Autobots finally cut him down and he goes to fight Sentinel Prime, but just get's curb stomped and his arm ripped off.
Megatron re-enters the plot now and gets a pep talk from Sam's girlfriend that he just let wander off. Megatron goes to help Optimus and kills Sentinel with ease. After saving his life, Optimus decides instead of thanking Megatron just to slice him in half. So in the first movie a full strength Optimus couldn't kill a half frozen Megatron, but in the third he can kill him in one hit, with only one arm. -___-
After the hour long action scene of billions of robots and people dieing back dropped by the same Linkin Park song throughout half the movie, it finally ends with no clear description of what the fuck happened. The credits roll and they play the same damn song one more time while two old hags make out.
Yeah, this one even tops the stupidity of Night at the Museum 2. Don't go see it. It's a waste of valuable time. Keep in mind I sugar coated the summery.
I'm off to puke now, share your opinions on the movie.
